Is it bad to want to offer (only) what (we think) is best for our children? Are we really aware of what’s best in a long run!
We all want what’s best for our children; we go to lengths to be able to give them what we think they might need. Best education, best amenities, best facilities and everything that ‘we could never have’.
Yes, most times, it boils down to I would not repeat the same mistakes that my parents made. Do we really understand the concept thoroughly? Do we really know what does mistake mean in this context? Have we ever considered that everyone is doing their best; however some of us may need more options, opportunities and flexibilities to do things differently. Some of us may be slaves to our own habits, beliefs and behaviors/emotions!
How do we become slaves of our own behaviors?
As parents we don’t realise that care and protection can go the other way if it’s overdone. An over-protective parent can handicap the child where he/she is unprepared for the ‘real world’.
Mira and Nagesh came to us with their daughter Neha; Neha took no interest in anything, she would just be into her laptop and phone. She had no ideas as to what she wanted to do post 10th grade. In a year she would be going to junior college, and her parents were worried at her apathy towards her future. Being an only child, Neha was their life.
What do we see?
We sat with Neha to understand what was going on with her. As her narrative unfolded, we saw that her life routine was planned to the T. She already knew at the start of the day, what the rest of her day would be like. She had been a mischievous child but the fire was tamped down and that made her ‘lethargic’. She had lost interest and the natural curiosity of a young being.
We worked with the parents more than with Neha, to make them look at her as an individual and not as their project.
As coaches our primary job is not to offer what the clients think they want but to actually figure out what they need. Discovery is not sufficient though unless we have the buy-in from the coachee.
What did they ‘Not See’ until then
The biggest shift for this couple was the realisation that the environment beyond their household is much worse and hostile than anything they could do to their child. Suddenly their entire point of view towards their love and manifestation was changed, and they started noticing the short coming that the child would have to face when she grows up.
In the misguided love for their children, parents tend to give everything on a platter to them. As a result, the children get used to it, their minds are deadened and they lose their initiative to think and do anything for themselves.
We can develop new choices
As we worked with Mira and Nagesh, they were able to loosen their hold on Neha’s daily routine. They understood that their excessive planning for Neha was killing her ability to think and decide for herself. They were able to let go of their compulsions in this regard. They found that their relationship flourished more when they got the time to rekindle the romance once more in their lives. It took some coaching with Neha too, to train her mind to believe and think for herself again.
Point to be noted
Love is a double-edged sword. Too much of it, even with our kids, can stifle them and block their development into well-rounded personalities. If it is excessive, love overflows into wanting to ‘control’ the loved ones environment to ‘protect’ them from any sort of pain or exertion.
The proper balance in any emotion is the key to a happy and content life.